Post by photographerbob on Jan 7, 2015 23:51:13 GMT -6
Bob: Can you think of a better way to end the year Johnny!?"
We cut in on a celebration inside the apartment of Bob Brooks and his roommate Johnny. Bob looks like he's having the absolute time of his life. He's got a few cases of beer stacked up behind him, Natural Ice though because dude is hurting on cash. Bob finishes a can of cheap beer and crushes it against his forehead in typical meathead fashion, before grabbing another. Johnny however doesn't appear remotely amused or impressed.
Johnny: I don't mean to rain on your parade, but for you the year 2014 ended with Amy Zing laying you out backstage for the world to see.
There is no immediate response, as Bob puts down another beer and crushes the can, before letting out a loud belch and defending his right to party.
Bob: You would think like that, being a negative nancy and what not. Always dwelling on the bad, it's very unbecoming of you.
Johnny: Says the guy who thought he was gonna get fired every week for like, ever. So tell me Robert, what was so great about the end of the year?
Bob: Well other than the obvious that I won my match?
Johnny: That nobody saw.
Bob: Lacey fucking Roberts became the UWA Television Champion!
Just like that, it all makes sense for Johnny, or atleast as much sense as it's ever going to make. It's the start of a new year, but it's the same one dimensional perverted Bob Brooks.
Johnny: Somebody who isn't you wins a championship, and you act like it's the greatest accomplishment in your life. What does any of this have to do with you?
Bob: You don't get it do you Johnny? Hell Lacey herself might not even get it. Atleast not right now, but one day she'll see how important I was to this scenario, how big of a factor I can be for her both professionally and personally. You even mentioned it before, Amy Zing took me out backstage, took time out of her night to make sure I wouldn't be a part of her match against Lacey. Thing is, by making the first move, she proved I was already a big player in this game. I was in her head, when she should have been thinking about Lacey, she was thinking about me. It's okay though, god knows I've been thinking about Lacey enough for me and Amy.
He loses track in his thought process for a moment, obviously side tracked with sex related Lacey day dreams. Johnny has to clear his throat to snap Bob out of his trance, who follows up on his take on the end of 2014.
Bob: Point is people are thinking about me, they're talking about me, and whether it's inside the ring or backstage in a parking lot getting my butt kicked, I'm getting TV time. Well, internet time, whatever, screen time is screen time man. Besides Lacey is champ now, which means she has to be in a better mood, which means I've got that much better of a shot at winning her over. I mean not that she needed any help from me to beat Amy Zing, or anyone else for that matter, but it never hurts to have your opponent spending time preparing for an outside distraction ya know. Now she's booked to face Pauly Shore or whatever, and I just like literally beat that guy last show. Dude has to be down in the dumps right now, destroyed all momentum he may have had going into this, which is also gonna help Lacey win who is riding a huge momentum wave right now. Not the only thing I'd like her to ride though.
Johnny: All I here is Lacey this and Lacey that. You passed over your win over Paul to talk about how she's gonna beat him this week. Why can't you focus on your achievements, or better yet, focus on your upcoming challenge at the next show. Winning a match nobody saw is meaningless if you lose this next one that is actually being recorded.
Bob: You don't think I'm taking my next match seriously? I mean yeah, I said Lacey would be in higher spirits after becoming a champ and that might get her to quit giving me the cold shoulder, but along with that title she won came higher expectations. If she wouldn't let me tap that ass for losing when she wasn't a champ, no way do I stand a chance of hitting that if I lose to some guy named Dickie Tremble.
Johnny: His last name is Tramel, not Tremble.
Bob: Oh, thats a shame, Tremble was a much better last name for pro wrestling. Like, ya know, people should tremble at the sound of his name.
Johnny: Yeah, i get it, but it isn't. He's related to those cornbread mafia guys or he is their mechanic, or something I don't remember the details. Thing is if he's someone who hangs out with those guys, he's gonna be crazy unpredictable.
Bob: You say unpredictable, but I can already see his immediate future Johnny. Getting laid out my yours truly, his shoulders pinned to the mat for a three count. Dude is just a stepping stone for me, another proving ground for me to earn some attention from the fans, those in charge of UWA, and most importantly Lacey Roberts. Speaking of getting attention, I think it's about time I address the masses. Go fetch my camera.
Johnny: Yeah, no. Go get your own camera, I'm a go take a walk for a bit. You tend to get offensive and nasty when there is a camera recording you.
Bob: Ha, if you think I get nasty when a camera is just on me, wait until you see what happens when I get little Miss Lacey Roberts to make a film with me.
Johnny: I think I'm gonna puke. Yeah, walk, gonna go on one, you take care of business while I'm out.
With that, Johnny heads out of the apartment. Bob cracks open one more beer, before heading off to fetch his camera. With Johnny gone, he has to use a tripod to hold the camera up, and instead of going back to the living room that is littered with beer cans, Bob decides to record in his bedroom. Specifically his bed itself, where he lays casually on his side next to a remote that can turn the record option on and off. He presses a button, a little red dot pops up in the corner, and he begins his address towards UWA, and Dickie Tramel.
Bob: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are all enjoying the New Year as much as yours truly is. In particular I hope love of my life Lacey Roberts is having a celebration worthy of a champion. For those of you who live under a rock, or just plain out don't know how to use the internet, Miss Roberts defeated Amy Zing one on one to become the greatest television champion in UWA history. Neigh, allow me to rephrase that, Lacey Roberts is now the single greatest champion of any kind that UWA has ever had. Like a true champion she is already defending her belt, against a man who came up short against the Bob man the same night Lacey became a champ. I might not have a whole lot of money to gamble with, but I'm putting what I have on Lacey Roberts knocking the Irish out of ole Pauly Abdul. Thing is, I'm not just relying on the best damn woman on the roster to earn me a paycheck this show. I've got a match of my own to celebrate with, first victory of the new year and UWA couldn't have possibly made it any easier for me.
There's a brief pause in Bob's rant, as he reaches off camera for the beer he grabbed earlier. After taking a brief sip he places it back off camera and returns his attention to the camera.
Bob: Ya see, they booked me against the biggest reject in the entire cornbread mafia, Dick Tramel. Now folks, if there is one thing that I can say without a shadow of a doubt, it is that I am quite possibly the most qualified person on the roster to beat Dick.
He smiles, knowing damn well what he just said.
Bob: I mean I'm not just gonna beat Dick, I'm gonna beat Dick hard. I can't promise how long it's gonna take me to finish beating Dick though. I mean sometimes its best to just start the beating off fast and finish things off as soon as you can. It isn't like I'm getting paid by the minute after all. I'm just not sure I want the reputation of being the guy who only needs a minute to get the job done. Also in my experience, taking a slow, methodical pace is the more preferred way of beating Dick. Gotta make sure that Dick knows who is in control, the sort of beating that will leave Dick unable to get up for a long period of time. I suppose I'll just make up my mind the night of Mayhem the point is beating Dick is pretty much the best way to start off the year that I can think of.
Another pause in the action as Bob takes another sip from his cheap beer, changing his position from laying on his side to sitting with his legs crossed after putting the beer up again.
Bob: The only concern I have with my match, is that it appears to be booked directly before Lacey Roberts and her match against Pauly Deen which means she won't have time to watch my impressive Dick beating. It's a real shame too, because I believe she would be truly impressed with my ability to beat Dick. I suppose the silver lining here is that I will be able to watch Lacey Roberts perform after the Dick beating, I just hope I won't be too exhausted to properly enjoy it. It's a long year though, and I want to emphasize that my success and the success of Lacey Roberts at Mayhem is just the beginning. By the end of the year several things will happen. One, Bob Brooks himself will capture some gold of his own. Two, Lacey Roberts and Bob Brooks will become the most feared power couple in professional wrestling. Three, and this is the most important. Bobby and Lacey will make sweet passionate love and if you stupid judgmental hypocritical fans play your cards right I might just upload the video of it on the internet for the rest of you to enjoy.
For the third time Bob reaches for his beer, but this time when he finishes he places the can in front of his lap, possibly trying to cover up an erection he got thinking about sexing up the Television Champ.
Bob: Let's be real though, you fans are gonna continue to ignore me, until the day comes when I take away championship gold from some less deserving individual. Then, you'll cry foul, claim I got lucky, make up excuses for whoever I beat, do anything and everything you can do diminish my accomplishment, while simultaneously attacking my character. As if all the guys who buy a ticket aren't paying to see a closer view of all the lovely ladies on the roster, Lacey Roberts specifically. Everyone in the arena is thinking the same thing, but god forbid I say it out loud I become some sort of monster, a predator if you would. Well you're not wrong on that end, Bob Brooks is a fucking predator, and this year everyone on the roster is my fucking prey. Every man, woman, and fucking grown ass teddy bear better take notice because I'm not gonna sit back and watch this year fly by me like last year did. I'm gonna reach out and take what I want, professionally and personally, and it all starts with Dick.
He licks his lips, looks down at his beer, but does not pick it up.
Bob: This match with you and I Dick, it isn't going to be some blockbuster hit. The video my camera is going to capture won''t be a thriller, or a suspense story, or some redemption garbage. Mayhem is going to be just short of being a fucking snuff film Dick. After it is over people are going to feel sick, they might puke, they'll probably cry, and those in charge of booking will be left to answer to the backlash. There will be an outrage to why they would possibly hire a unqualified untalented fuck like you. They'll be forced to reevaluate my status on the roster, and what kind of competitor they can put in front of me that won't end in unadulterated manslaughter. So Dick, brew up that moonshine with your inbred friends and celebrate the start of the New Year while you can, because after Mayhem the only way you'll be getting any sort of buzz is if someone spikes your fucking IV bag. Happy New Year Dick, this one is for you.
With that, Bob lifts up his can, and reveals he most certainly has a hard on, before he takes one last chug for Dick, and reaches for the remote to shut off the camera.. He finishes the beer, tosses the can to the side, and looks down at his boner.
Bob: Now, what should we do about you. I do believe Lacey Roberts posted a new video about her upcoming match, I'm sure that's something we'd both like to see.
He smiles, pulls out a laptop from seemingly nowhere, as everything fades to black.
We cut in on a celebration inside the apartment of Bob Brooks and his roommate Johnny. Bob looks like he's having the absolute time of his life. He's got a few cases of beer stacked up behind him, Natural Ice though because dude is hurting on cash. Bob finishes a can of cheap beer and crushes it against his forehead in typical meathead fashion, before grabbing another. Johnny however doesn't appear remotely amused or impressed.
Johnny: I don't mean to rain on your parade, but for you the year 2014 ended with Amy Zing laying you out backstage for the world to see.
There is no immediate response, as Bob puts down another beer and crushes the can, before letting out a loud belch and defending his right to party.
Bob: You would think like that, being a negative nancy and what not. Always dwelling on the bad, it's very unbecoming of you.
Johnny: Says the guy who thought he was gonna get fired every week for like, ever. So tell me Robert, what was so great about the end of the year?
Bob: Well other than the obvious that I won my match?
Johnny: That nobody saw.
Bob: Lacey fucking Roberts became the UWA Television Champion!
Just like that, it all makes sense for Johnny, or atleast as much sense as it's ever going to make. It's the start of a new year, but it's the same one dimensional perverted Bob Brooks.
Johnny: Somebody who isn't you wins a championship, and you act like it's the greatest accomplishment in your life. What does any of this have to do with you?
Bob: You don't get it do you Johnny? Hell Lacey herself might not even get it. Atleast not right now, but one day she'll see how important I was to this scenario, how big of a factor I can be for her both professionally and personally. You even mentioned it before, Amy Zing took me out backstage, took time out of her night to make sure I wouldn't be a part of her match against Lacey. Thing is, by making the first move, she proved I was already a big player in this game. I was in her head, when she should have been thinking about Lacey, she was thinking about me. It's okay though, god knows I've been thinking about Lacey enough for me and Amy.
He loses track in his thought process for a moment, obviously side tracked with sex related Lacey day dreams. Johnny has to clear his throat to snap Bob out of his trance, who follows up on his take on the end of 2014.
Bob: Point is people are thinking about me, they're talking about me, and whether it's inside the ring or backstage in a parking lot getting my butt kicked, I'm getting TV time. Well, internet time, whatever, screen time is screen time man. Besides Lacey is champ now, which means she has to be in a better mood, which means I've got that much better of a shot at winning her over. I mean not that she needed any help from me to beat Amy Zing, or anyone else for that matter, but it never hurts to have your opponent spending time preparing for an outside distraction ya know. Now she's booked to face Pauly Shore or whatever, and I just like literally beat that guy last show. Dude has to be down in the dumps right now, destroyed all momentum he may have had going into this, which is also gonna help Lacey win who is riding a huge momentum wave right now. Not the only thing I'd like her to ride though.
Johnny: All I here is Lacey this and Lacey that. You passed over your win over Paul to talk about how she's gonna beat him this week. Why can't you focus on your achievements, or better yet, focus on your upcoming challenge at the next show. Winning a match nobody saw is meaningless if you lose this next one that is actually being recorded.
Bob: You don't think I'm taking my next match seriously? I mean yeah, I said Lacey would be in higher spirits after becoming a champ and that might get her to quit giving me the cold shoulder, but along with that title she won came higher expectations. If she wouldn't let me tap that ass for losing when she wasn't a champ, no way do I stand a chance of hitting that if I lose to some guy named Dickie Tremble.
Johnny: His last name is Tramel, not Tremble.
Bob: Oh, thats a shame, Tremble was a much better last name for pro wrestling. Like, ya know, people should tremble at the sound of his name.
Johnny: Yeah, i get it, but it isn't. He's related to those cornbread mafia guys or he is their mechanic, or something I don't remember the details. Thing is if he's someone who hangs out with those guys, he's gonna be crazy unpredictable.
Bob: You say unpredictable, but I can already see his immediate future Johnny. Getting laid out my yours truly, his shoulders pinned to the mat for a three count. Dude is just a stepping stone for me, another proving ground for me to earn some attention from the fans, those in charge of UWA, and most importantly Lacey Roberts. Speaking of getting attention, I think it's about time I address the masses. Go fetch my camera.
Johnny: Yeah, no. Go get your own camera, I'm a go take a walk for a bit. You tend to get offensive and nasty when there is a camera recording you.
Bob: Ha, if you think I get nasty when a camera is just on me, wait until you see what happens when I get little Miss Lacey Roberts to make a film with me.
Johnny: I think I'm gonna puke. Yeah, walk, gonna go on one, you take care of business while I'm out.
With that, Johnny heads out of the apartment. Bob cracks open one more beer, before heading off to fetch his camera. With Johnny gone, he has to use a tripod to hold the camera up, and instead of going back to the living room that is littered with beer cans, Bob decides to record in his bedroom. Specifically his bed itself, where he lays casually on his side next to a remote that can turn the record option on and off. He presses a button, a little red dot pops up in the corner, and he begins his address towards UWA, and Dickie Tramel.
Bob: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are all enjoying the New Year as much as yours truly is. In particular I hope love of my life Lacey Roberts is having a celebration worthy of a champion. For those of you who live under a rock, or just plain out don't know how to use the internet, Miss Roberts defeated Amy Zing one on one to become the greatest television champion in UWA history. Neigh, allow me to rephrase that, Lacey Roberts is now the single greatest champion of any kind that UWA has ever had. Like a true champion she is already defending her belt, against a man who came up short against the Bob man the same night Lacey became a champ. I might not have a whole lot of money to gamble with, but I'm putting what I have on Lacey Roberts knocking the Irish out of ole Pauly Abdul. Thing is, I'm not just relying on the best damn woman on the roster to earn me a paycheck this show. I've got a match of my own to celebrate with, first victory of the new year and UWA couldn't have possibly made it any easier for me.
There's a brief pause in Bob's rant, as he reaches off camera for the beer he grabbed earlier. After taking a brief sip he places it back off camera and returns his attention to the camera.
Bob: Ya see, they booked me against the biggest reject in the entire cornbread mafia, Dick Tramel. Now folks, if there is one thing that I can say without a shadow of a doubt, it is that I am quite possibly the most qualified person on the roster to beat Dick.
He smiles, knowing damn well what he just said.
Bob: I mean I'm not just gonna beat Dick, I'm gonna beat Dick hard. I can't promise how long it's gonna take me to finish beating Dick though. I mean sometimes its best to just start the beating off fast and finish things off as soon as you can. It isn't like I'm getting paid by the minute after all. I'm just not sure I want the reputation of being the guy who only needs a minute to get the job done. Also in my experience, taking a slow, methodical pace is the more preferred way of beating Dick. Gotta make sure that Dick knows who is in control, the sort of beating that will leave Dick unable to get up for a long period of time. I suppose I'll just make up my mind the night of Mayhem the point is beating Dick is pretty much the best way to start off the year that I can think of.
Another pause in the action as Bob takes another sip from his cheap beer, changing his position from laying on his side to sitting with his legs crossed after putting the beer up again.
Bob: The only concern I have with my match, is that it appears to be booked directly before Lacey Roberts and her match against Pauly Deen which means she won't have time to watch my impressive Dick beating. It's a real shame too, because I believe she would be truly impressed with my ability to beat Dick. I suppose the silver lining here is that I will be able to watch Lacey Roberts perform after the Dick beating, I just hope I won't be too exhausted to properly enjoy it. It's a long year though, and I want to emphasize that my success and the success of Lacey Roberts at Mayhem is just the beginning. By the end of the year several things will happen. One, Bob Brooks himself will capture some gold of his own. Two, Lacey Roberts and Bob Brooks will become the most feared power couple in professional wrestling. Three, and this is the most important. Bobby and Lacey will make sweet passionate love and if you stupid judgmental hypocritical fans play your cards right I might just upload the video of it on the internet for the rest of you to enjoy.
For the third time Bob reaches for his beer, but this time when he finishes he places the can in front of his lap, possibly trying to cover up an erection he got thinking about sexing up the Television Champ.
Bob: Let's be real though, you fans are gonna continue to ignore me, until the day comes when I take away championship gold from some less deserving individual. Then, you'll cry foul, claim I got lucky, make up excuses for whoever I beat, do anything and everything you can do diminish my accomplishment, while simultaneously attacking my character. As if all the guys who buy a ticket aren't paying to see a closer view of all the lovely ladies on the roster, Lacey Roberts specifically. Everyone in the arena is thinking the same thing, but god forbid I say it out loud I become some sort of monster, a predator if you would. Well you're not wrong on that end, Bob Brooks is a fucking predator, and this year everyone on the roster is my fucking prey. Every man, woman, and fucking grown ass teddy bear better take notice because I'm not gonna sit back and watch this year fly by me like last year did. I'm gonna reach out and take what I want, professionally and personally, and it all starts with Dick.
He licks his lips, looks down at his beer, but does not pick it up.
Bob: This match with you and I Dick, it isn't going to be some blockbuster hit. The video my camera is going to capture won''t be a thriller, or a suspense story, or some redemption garbage. Mayhem is going to be just short of being a fucking snuff film Dick. After it is over people are going to feel sick, they might puke, they'll probably cry, and those in charge of booking will be left to answer to the backlash. There will be an outrage to why they would possibly hire a unqualified untalented fuck like you. They'll be forced to reevaluate my status on the roster, and what kind of competitor they can put in front of me that won't end in unadulterated manslaughter. So Dick, brew up that moonshine with your inbred friends and celebrate the start of the New Year while you can, because after Mayhem the only way you'll be getting any sort of buzz is if someone spikes your fucking IV bag. Happy New Year Dick, this one is for you.
With that, Bob lifts up his can, and reveals he most certainly has a hard on, before he takes one last chug for Dick, and reaches for the remote to shut off the camera.. He finishes the beer, tosses the can to the side, and looks down at his boner.
Bob: Now, what should we do about you. I do believe Lacey Roberts posted a new video about her upcoming match, I'm sure that's something we'd both like to see.
He smiles, pulls out a laptop from seemingly nowhere, as everything fades to black.