Post by Jeszika on Nov 11, 2014 12:33:55 GMT -6
A cemetery in New Orleans is not the first place one usually thinks to seek out anger management, spiritual cleansing and life coaching, but then again, is anything in New Orleans ever really “usual?” As Jeszika Gautier steps out of her yellow and black 2011 Chevrolet Camaro and stares in nervous disbelief at the house sitting just off to the right of the graveyard. To most people, it would look like a miniature “McMansion.” The white columns in front appear to have been added on after the place was built to make it look more “southern.”
Was this really the place this person worked?
Jeszika makes her way up to the front door, stealing ever more nervous glances back at the headstones in the yard next door. She raises her hand to knock or ring the bell and pauses, her hand hovering just in front of the door.
Did she really want to do this and if so…
Jeszika shakes her head, steels herself and knocks on the big white door before her. Almost immediately, as she had been waiting for her, a dark-haired woman in a flowing dress opens the door. The woman looks Jeszika up and down and then nods before extending a hand.
Woman:
Jeszika, right? I’m Dr. Reva Belle, welcome to my office.
Jeszika, right? I’m Dr. Reva Belle, welcome to my office.
Jeszika hesitates a little before taking the womans hand
Jeszika Gautier:
I am she...
I am she...
Sensing the apprehension in the air, Dr. Belle steps outside with a friendly smile on her face to try and put Jeszika at ease.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Is it the cemetery or the house?
Is it the cemetery or the house?
Jeszika returns her smile with a small one of her own
Jeszika Gautier:
Definitely the cemetery, the house is gorgeous
Definitely the cemetery, the house is gorgeous
Dr. Belle nods.
Dr. Reva Belle:
They’re both my family’s. Somebody on my paternal grandfather’s side got the property zoned to be able to just have the family plot right here on the estate. I know it can be a bit intimidating so, please, come inside.
They’re both my family’s. Somebody on my paternal grandfather’s side got the property zoned to be able to just have the family plot right here on the estate. I know it can be a bit intimidating so, please, come inside.
Jeszika looks nervously behind her and nods.
Jeszika Gautier:
As if being here wasnt intimidating enough...
As if being here wasnt intimidating enough...
She says quietly before following the woman inside. Dr. Belle leads her to the right and into a great room with a few pictures of women who look like familial ancestors along with some nice leather furniture and a big area rug on the floor. Incense burns on either side of the room with crystals on several tables near the walls.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Better?
Better?
Jeszika Gautier:
Yeah a bit...
Yeah a bit...
She looks around uncomfortably.
Jeszika Gautier:
I've never done anything like this before...
I've never done anything like this before...
Dr. Belle nods understandingly.
Dr. Reva Belle:
It’s alright, you have nothing to fear from me. I’m just here to give you whatever help I am able.
It’s alright, you have nothing to fear from me. I’m just here to give you whatever help I am able.
Jeszika Gautier:
And help is what I need... desperately...
And help is what I need... desperately...
She finally settles down into one of the leather chairs, pulling her legs up in front of her like some kind of shield, or some kinda of comfort.
Dr. Reva Belle:
What seems to be the problem, Jeszika?
What seems to be the problem, Jeszika?
Jeszika Gautier:
More like what ISN’T the problem…
More like what ISN’T the problem…
Dr. Belle nods as she sits down across from Jeszika.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Well, is there anything weighing on you moreso than anything else?
Well, is there anything weighing on you moreso than anything else?
Jeszika starts fidgeting with a loose thread on the knee of her jeans
Jeszika Gautier:
That I broke the heart of the two people I loved... Within months of each other... I'm so damn volatile I can't even hold down a relationship with anyone, male or female...
That I broke the heart of the two people I loved... Within months of each other... I'm so damn volatile I can't even hold down a relationship with anyone, male or female...
Dr. Reva Belle:
Does your family feel like this? Do they tell you things like that?
Does your family feel like this? Do they tell you things like that?
Jeszika Gautier:
That I'm volatile? Depends which family you mean... The blood ones don't know, but the girls I count as family, they support me through it all.
That I'm volatile? Depends which family you mean... The blood ones don't know, but the girls I count as family, they support me through it all.
Dr. Belle nods, smiling at the sound of her voice.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Who are they?
Who are they?
Jeszika Gautier:
Just three friends I’ve known for a long time, Bethany, Ashley, Nikki. They're like sisters to me.
Just three friends I’ve known for a long time, Bethany, Ashley, Nikki. They're like sisters to me.
Dr. Reva Belle:
They sound special.
They sound special.
Jeszika Gautier:
They are... if not for them I might have....
They are... if not for them I might have....
She trails off as a tear trickles down her cheek as she starts to admit something she had never told another soul, not even her friends. She shakes her head struggling to find the words.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Might have, what, Jeszika?
Might have, what, Jeszika?
Jeszika Gautier:
There was a point where I wanted to... off myself. I'd screw over the guy I had accidently married in Vegas yet fallen in love with and my girlfriend had been kidnapped cause of me and broke up with me... In my my mind...
There was a point where I wanted to... off myself. I'd screw over the guy I had accidently married in Vegas yet fallen in love with and my girlfriend had been kidnapped cause of me and broke up with me... In my my mind...
She looks up at her.
Jeszika Gautier:
I felt like I had nothing to live for... I took pills, I drank... Bethany found me and as far as she knew, it was accidental... but it was on purpose, I was trying to make all the pain go away... forever.
I felt like I had nothing to live for... I took pills, I drank... Bethany found me and as far as she knew, it was accidental... but it was on purpose, I was trying to make all the pain go away... forever.
Dr. Belle nods, patting Jeszika’s knee reassuringly.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Have you ever felt like that before?
Have you ever felt like that before?
Jeszika Gautier:
Never, normally I can deal... but then, I couldn’t... I just couldn’t cope anymore...
Never, normally I can deal... but then, I couldn’t... I just couldn’t cope anymore...
Dr. Belle nods.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Have you felt like that since?
Have you felt like that since?
Jeszika shakes her head.
Jeszika Gautier:
No, now it’s all just anger and fury…
No, now it’s all just anger and fury…
Dr. Belle sits back for a second, pondering this.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Why doesn’t your family know?
Why doesn’t your family know?
Jeszika Gautier:
Which family?
Which family?
The doctor nods.
Dr. Reva Belle:
You said the blood relations were not aware of much of anything.
You said the blood relations were not aware of much of anything.
Jeszika shrugs.
Jeszika Gautier:
I haven’t seen them for a while, that’s all…
I haven’t seen them for a while, that’s all…
Dr. Belle nods again.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Why doesn’t the other?
Why doesn’t the other?
Jeszika Gautier:
They have enough problems of their own, I don't need to burden them with more of mine.
They have enough problems of their own, I don't need to burden them with more of mine.
Dr. Belle sits back again in ponderance.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Are you certain they don’t know?
Are you certain they don’t know?
Jeszika Gautier:
I don't know... I haven’t told them.
I don't know... I haven’t told them.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Does it worry you if they find out?
Does it worry you if they find out?
Jeszika Gautier:
I'm worried it would send them over the edge too.
I'm worried it would send them over the edge too.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Why?
Why?
Jeszika Gautier:
Because they're as fragile as I am at the moment…
Because they're as fragile as I am at the moment…
Dr. Belle nods, frowning with concern.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Did something happen to all of you at once to cause this?
Did something happen to all of you at once to cause this?
Jeszika Gautier:
Too many things to name, but generally it’s failed relationships, parents dying, friends betraying us…
Too many things to name, but generally it’s failed relationships, parents dying, friends betraying us…
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do you feel like you do something to cause these things to happen?
Do you feel like you do something to cause these things to happen?
Jeszika Gautier:
Yes…
Yes…
Dr. Reva Belle:
To all of you or just to yourself?
To all of you or just to yourself?
Jeszika Gautier:
Bit of both.
Bit of both.
Dr. Belle nods.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do they feel that way?
Do they feel that way?
Jeszika Gautier:
I don't know... but in my head they do…
I don't know... but in my head they do…
Dr. Reva Belle:
Why?
Why?
Jeszika Gautier:
Because to me I am... If not for me meeting Brody and falling for him, deciding on this job to screw him over and teach him a lesson... They wouldn’t have become a target to them and who wanted to hurt me and Brody... My girlfriend Melissa wouldn’t have been a target so said guy could hurt me. If not for what I did with Brody, Aerynn wouldn’t have turned her back on us and hurt Bethany's girl friend or shot up Ashley’s boyfriend a few weeks back... Bethany wouldn’t have been driven to suicide back after I got drunk and told her everything she didn’t want to hear... I've hurt them all and I’ve hurt them all bad.
Because to me I am... If not for me meeting Brody and falling for him, deciding on this job to screw him over and teach him a lesson... They wouldn’t have become a target to them and who wanted to hurt me and Brody... My girlfriend Melissa wouldn’t have been a target so said guy could hurt me. If not for what I did with Brody, Aerynn wouldn’t have turned her back on us and hurt Bethany's girl friend or shot up Ashley’s boyfriend a few weeks back... Bethany wouldn’t have been driven to suicide back after I got drunk and told her everything she didn’t want to hear... I've hurt them all and I’ve hurt them all bad.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Driven to suicide?
Driven to suicide?
Jeszika Gautier:
She put a gun in her mouth and was ready to pull the trigger... We had this one night in Reno, where we got drunk and we ended up in bed together... It was my best night ever until I met Melissa, the girlfriend who left me... And I drunkenly told B that she was horrible and I hated her and things like that...
She put a gun in her mouth and was ready to pull the trigger... We had this one night in Reno, where we got drunk and we ended up in bed together... It was my best night ever until I met Melissa, the girlfriend who left me... And I drunkenly told B that she was horrible and I hated her and things like that...
She looks up, tears in her eyes.
Jeszika Gautier:
Because of me she wanted to end it all...
Because of me she wanted to end it all...
Dr. Reva Belle:
Was any of what you said, the truth?
Was any of what you said, the truth?
She shakes her head.
Jeszika Gautier:
None of it....
None of it....
Dr. Reva Belle:
Why did you say them?
Why did you say them?
Jeszika Gautier:
I was stressed, angry at the world... and severely drunk...
I was stressed, angry at the world... and severely drunk...
Dr. Reva Belle:
Does that happen a lot?
Does that happen a lot?
Jeszika Gautier:
The drunkeness? A lot more than I would like, I drink to escape the pain.
The drunkeness? A lot more than I would like, I drink to escape the pain.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Anything else?
Anything else?
Jeszika Gautier:
Anything else?
Anything else?
Dr. Belle nods.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Is that the only thing you do to cope with the pain?
Is that the only thing you do to cope with the pain?
Jeszika Gautier:
No... We've done more... all of us… mostly just cocaine... I've taken other stuff, some things I don't even remember the names of... Only thing I wont take is anything in needles...
No... We've done more... all of us… mostly just cocaine... I've taken other stuff, some things I don't even remember the names of... Only thing I wont take is anything in needles...
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do you feel like you need any of it to function or is it just something you do when you feel trapped?
Do you feel like you need any of it to function or is it just something you do when you feel trapped?
Jeszika Gautier:
It’s something I do to function, so I don't feel the pain anymore. So I don't make myself suffer and everyone around me suffer…
It’s something I do to function, so I don't feel the pain anymore. So I don't make myself suffer and everyone around me suffer…
Dr. Reva Belle:
How long has it been like that?
How long has it been like that?
Jeszika Gautier:
Almost a year.
Almost a year.
Dr. Reva Belle:
How often are you drunk?
How often are you drunk?
Jeszika Gautier:
Several times a week, sometimes daily…
Several times a week, sometimes daily…
Dr. Reva Belle:
Have you had any today?
Have you had any today?
Jeszika shakes her head.
Jeszika Gautier:
By gods I wanted to... but I didn’t…
By gods I wanted to... but I didn’t…
Dr. Reva Belle:
Are you able to just have a drink or is having one guarantee you'll be drunk that day?
Are you able to just have a drink or is having one guarantee you'll be drunk that day?
She shakes her head.
Jeszika Gautier:
No... I can't just have one…
No... I can't just have one…
Dr. Reva Belle:
How long has that been true?
How long has that been true?
Jeszika Gautier:
About a year…
About a year…
Dr. Reva Belle:
Can you refer to yourself as that condition?
Can you refer to yourself as that condition?
Jeszika cocks her head.
Jeszika Gautier:
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do you feel like you're an alcoholic and/or a drug addict?
Do you feel like you're an alcoholic and/or a drug addict?
Jeszika nods
Jeszika Gautier:
I do... And thats one of the things I need help with…
I do... And thats one of the things I need help with…
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do any of those you consider family do this as well?
Do any of those you consider family do this as well?
Jeszika Gautier:
The drinking and drugs?
The drinking and drugs?
Dr. Belle nods.
Jeszika Gautier:
All of us, we all drink, some worse than others.
All of us, we all drink, some worse than others.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do any of them consider themselves addicts?
Do any of them consider themselves addicts?
Jeszika Gautier:
I don't know.
I don't know.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do you think any of them are?
Do you think any of them are?
Jeszika Gautier:
All of us…
All of us…
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do you feel like that's your fault?
Do you feel like that's your fault?
Jeszika Gautier:
Yes... for all the reasons I stated before.
Yes... for all the reasons I stated before.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do they know you feel that way?
Do they know you feel that way?
Jeszika shakes her head.
Dr. Reva Belle:
You seem to mention the one moreso than the others.
You seem to mention the one moreso than the others.
Jeszika Gautier:
Bethany?
Bethany?
Dr. Belle nods.
Jeszika Gautier:
Well, like I said, we had a moment in Reno. Something that could have grown to more had we both let it...
Well, like I said, we had a moment in Reno. Something that could have grown to more had we both let it...
Dr. Reva Belle:
And you didn't?
And you didn't?
Jeszika Gautier:
I did…
I did…
Dr. Belle nods.
Dr. Reva Belle:
So she's special…
So she's special…
Jeszika Gautier:
She's very special.
She's very special.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Are you still angry with her for that?
Are you still angry with her for that?
Jeszika Gautier:
No I was never angry at her. I accepted her decision. Disappointment aside it was her choice and she wasn't ready.
No I was never angry at her. I accepted her decision. Disappointment aside it was her choice and she wasn't ready.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Do you feel like you pushed her?
Do you feel like you pushed her?
Jeszika Gautier:
No.... it was always her choice.
No.... it was always her choice.
Dr. Belle nods.
Dr. Reva Belle:
So you don’t feel like it’s your fault that never happened?
So you don’t feel like it’s your fault that never happened?
Jeszika Gautier:
No never.
No never.
Dr. Belle smiles.
Dr. Reva Belle:
Good.
Good.
Jeszika Gautier:
My issues don't stem from that. They stem from Brody and Melissa and everything that happened there.
My issues don't stem from that. They stem from Brody and Melissa and everything that happened there.
Dr. Reva Belle:
What IS going on there now?
What IS going on there now?
Jeszika Gautier:
Melissa left me and I divorced Brody and by gods I want them both back.... losing them was the biggest mistakes I ever made.
Melissa left me and I divorced Brody and by gods I want them both back.... losing them was the biggest mistakes I ever made.
Dr. Belle nods again.
Dr. Reva Belle: What is standing in the way of that?
Jeszika Gautier: Me and my problems.
Dr. Belle pauses and then looks Jeszika in the eyes.
Dr. Reva Belle: Do you feel like you deserve to be happy? That you deserve to be helped?
Jeszika shakes her head. Dr. Belle stands up, nodding as if she’d known the answer all along.
Dr. Reva Belle: Ok…
She walks over and embraces Jeszika.
Dr. Reva Belle: Call me Dr. Reva, and we’ll see what we can do to change things.
Jeszika looks up at her.
Jeszika Gautier: Ok.
